Sex and Relationships

I can't reach orgasm with my partner, is it because I masturbate a lot?

When I masturbate I usually reach orgasm almost always, but when I'm with my partner I rarely get it. Could it be that I have become accustomed to doing it alone and that is why I cannot with another person? Will I be masturbating too much? If you feel identified with any of this, keep reading, because no, you are not the only one ... and no, that you masturbate has nothing to do with the difficulties of reaching orgasm as a couple.

These two questions I have heard not a few times in consultation and out of it ... So I insist: if this is your case, you should know that you are not the only one that costs infinitely more to reach orgasm as a couple than when you masturbate: it is something that happens to many women and men, this is confirmed, specifically in the case of girls, a study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2018.

The motives

  • How do you feel about masturbating?
  • Are you completely comfortable with it or is there a bitter aftertaste at the end?

Why do I ask you this? Socially, female masturbation is still somewhat taboo and something “improper”, something that a girl with a partner “should not need” (yes, we still listen to these things even if you don't believe it), so that many despite enjoying it and do it, then they don't feel completely right or wonder if they should stop doing it.

This tends to be more evident, of course, when we also find it difficult to reach orgasm as a couple, because it comes, in quotes, to confirm those "ideas" about female masturbation. But no, that you enjoy your body and do it as many times as you want is not what makes orgasm elusive as a couple.

What then are the reasons?

There is no single and universal motive, in each case it is possible to find a combination of several factors. Here are some of them:

  • There is another person: this, which seems perogrullo, is something to keep in mind, because it is not the same you alone, to have next to someone who breathes, who touches you (at his own pace, with his hands) ... for the good, and For the bad. When you masturbate, you have control of the whole situation, of EVERYTHING that happens in it, and of course, not as a couple.
  • When you masturbate you are totally concentrated on pleasure, either in what you feel, in what you think or in what you are seeing (if you masturbate watching porn, for example). But with another person the factors on which to focus our attention multiply, and with them our distraction.
  • If we think yes or yes you have to reach orgasm, which also has to come during penetration and, if possible, both at the same time, we will be more aware of how and when than pleasure, which will make it much more difficult to have an orgasm. In these cases thoughts of the type “Let's see if it arrives”, And that thought all he does is push it away.
  • How much is the stimulation necessary to reach orgasm? How long should it last? Obviously there is not a single answer for this question, it will depend on what you need, and that can be 2 minutes ... or 20. Many couples (they and they) believe that with a few minutes it is more than enough, but some women in doing so they need more time with another person, and it's normal!
  • Coitus, coitus, coitus. If we limit ourselves to intercourse, or dedicate a minimum amount of time to “everything else” (let's not call it prior, because they are not), we will be missing a stimulation wonderful that surely brings us to orgasm (or puts it on a tray).
  • Control: Sometimes it is hard for us to “let ourselves go”, and by not being completely relaxed with another person, orgasm resists. Relfexiona: are you worried that your partner thinks something negative if you let yourself go? What do you fear may happen? Is there anything to embarrass you?

Not a motive: sometimes we think that maybe this is because there is a problem in the couple, but not necessarily this is so. If you think this is your case, reflect on it, do you think it could be true? If so, think about what factors in your relationship could be improved, what you need, what needs to be changed and talk to your partner (you can always go to a couple therapist to help you along the way).

Is there anything I can do?

When there are difficulties to reach orgasm, sexologists hurry to recommend spending time "playing alone", among other things, but as you already do, and you are doing great, try these other tips:

  • Focus on what you are feeling, it is not if it comes or does not come, because then you will be leaving the scene and observing it from outside, which leads in most cases to not reach orgasm.
  • let yourself go: Do not try to control yourself, or measure your movements, words or groans ... do what the body asks you, which is precisely what we have come for, right? Sometimes we have to "lose control" or be exposed, and in a way that makes us not abandon ourselves to pleasure. Well, now let go!
  • give yourself time: This is perhaps one of the most decisive variables but at the same time it costs more. As I said before, it is obviously not the same to do it alone than with another person, who moves, who touches you ... that it is not you and your total concentration. Many women who did not achieve orgasm as a couple manage to have it when they stop being aware of the time they have been taking, when their partners do not press them "because they have been around for a long time" (I have heard this in consultation, as is) ... So that you do One idea, the study I mentioned at the beginning of this article, the one of the Journal of Sexual Medicine, indicates that on average, the women who participated took about 8 minutes to reach orgasm when they were masturbating, compared to 14 when they were in a couple.
  • Try things: sometimes what works for you like a charm by being alone is not effective with another person, but if there is something wonderful about sex (apart from sex itself, which is the most) is the possibility of explore, play, try, etc. Maybe you never imagined it, nor was it something you fantasized about, but it turns out that as soon as you tried on ... it was infallible.
  • He clitoris He is our friend: his stimulation guarantees excitement, so you, your partner, with a vibrating ball, with a ring, with your tongue, with your hand, with whatever you can think of ... * During intercourse try postures in which both , or at least one of the two, have access to your clitoris, and stimulate it!
  • Lubricant: to stimulate the clitoris and / or for penetration a little lubricant can make a difference.
  • It incorporates masturbation (since it is infallible) to your relationships: you can masturbate in front of your partner if it is something that you feel comfortable with, or you can teach him how you like in a specific way ... or you can do both at the same time (masturbate I say).
  • When you masturbate, test in different ways: It is true that in this human masturbation we tend to be very “jack, horse, king” and we tend to do “what works”. Trying new ways alone, relaxed and calm can be a good way to redirect your pleasure in the face of sexual relations with another person.

No, nothing bad happens to you, so, nobody tries to convince you otherwise. Enjoy sex, alone or accompanied, do what you want, what the body asks you, ask for what you want, let yourself go ... and hey, if in the end orgasm doesn't come, let them take it away, I'll dance it!

Note: In spite of what has been said, if you feel bad about it or it is affecting your relationship or your self-esteem, go to a specialist, surely it can help you.